Today I want to share with you a reflection I wrote some time ago. I cannot really call it a poem as I’m sure it doesn’t follow the proper rules of poetry. All I know is that it was coming from a very raw place. In the coming days as I am able and this blog takes better shape, I will share more of our story. My friends in the adoption and foster care world will certainly be able to relate. Those of you who have ever had pain in your heart from something you wanted badly that has yet to come to fruition can maybe relate too. It is no small task for me to share this. As a “recovering perfectionist,” it is tough to let others know I don’t always have it all together. Who does, though? I put this out there, as a way to continue accepting my journey in all of its “messed up splendor”!
I Don’t Want To Know
A world where my dreams don’t come true
and I can’t say to my son: “We have a sister for you!”
A world where I’m stuck in a place of unknowns
and I cry in my bed at night, praying in groans.
Is it selfish, I wonder to have this deep need-
for a second little one to have, hold and feed?
To care for another, but not just for me.
for this other child that is waiting for a family-us three.
I wish I could tell you I know who this is
to tell you “this is the one! See-there she is!”
But there have been stops and starts and it’s been rough.
I’m just getting tired. The not knowing is tough.
If you could let me know, God what I should do,
how I should feel. Is this plan of you?
There are risks in this journey to family I know.
But God until I hear a flat out “No!” I know one speed: “Go.”
I will keep on beating this drum. Until a family of four we become.