Adoption · Anxiety · Grief and Loss · Infertility

It Is Well (Choose Joy Event 2018)

It has taken me one full week since the day I spoke for the first time at an infertility/adoption conference to formulate my thoughts and put them into words.  I am a high maintenance, anxious traveler.  It is not easy for me to go places, but I love public speaking (who the heck am I?…if you would have known me as a little girl…seemed super unlikely) and decided to offer to speak at breakout sessions on using the Lament Psalms as a framework to grieve our losses.  They liked the idea, so I was asked to speak at two sessions. I have been to many adoption-centered conferences over the years,  but my favorite one that I had been to (near Atlanta) six times ended their run last year (Created for Care).  I was devastated by this and was searching the web to find another conference I could attend this year when I ran across “Choose Joy Event.” I was immediately intrigued because it also had an infertility focus in addition to adoption.  In other words, those for whom forming a family is more difficult than the average bear.  So I decided to keep my eye on that conference on social media.  When I saw last fall that the organizers of this event were looking for speakers, I decided on a whim to send in an audition video.  I was delighted to find out they wanted me to speak.

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The conference schedule. So exciting!

Over the last several months I have put countless hours into re-studying the Psalms so I could refresh my memory (been awhile since seminary days) and make sure I knew as much as possible about this totally awesome book of the Bible. I wrote, studied, tweaked my writing, wrote out my own story, many times and was super excited to be a part of this.  However I didn’t really know what to expect as far as how many would show up to my sessions, what the conference would be like and whether I myself would come away with anything of value personally (I figured I would be hyper-focused on my own sessions to be able to let my guard down to receive anything).

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Maddy apparently wanted to go with me to Altlanta

But, boy was I wrong! First of all, I was taken aback by just the beauty of the decor! Emmy Blakely and her team did it up right! The theme was “It is Well,” and the colors were peach and white.  The decorations were simple and elegant.  Each table had beautiful flowers adorning a simple white tablecloth.  I didn’t know a soul (save for one speaker I knew from the Created for Care retreats) and many came with spouses or friends (or met up with friends they’d met last year at the conference when it was held in CA).  Although I was uncomfortable and felt like a lone ranger, I didn’t close myself off (the informal mingling thing is my kryptonite) but stayed with everyone.  I met some lovely ladies and gentleman and just took in the experience.

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Beautiful decor

The praise and worship band played and sang some beautiful songs, which of course tugged at the heart-strings and reminded me once again of the importance of giving God the glory, even in the midst of the struggle.  There were people who have been trying to conceive for months and years. People who have had heartbreaking miscarriages or infant losses.  Those who had experienced hope that an adoption was going to happen but for whom it has fallen through.  Those who have drained their bank accounts for expensive fertility treatments to no avail…so much collective grief in that room.  Yet also the resolve to trust Him and praise the One who makes all things well.  So the spirit of God was moving about that room, no doubt.

Beth Barker Forbus was our keynote speaker. She is the founder and president of Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility and Child Loss.  Beth spoke from the Word and her heart.  Because many at the conference are still trying to conceive, I figured her message would be one of, “don’t worry, there is still hope that you can conceive.” I am quite a bit past that point, and I know that I will never have a biological child.  Many of the conference attendees are hoping against hope that they will have that miracle baby they long for, and many of them will. Knowing this, I struggle to find someone with whom I can connect.  Someone that knows they are forever “barren.”  Someone who can celebrate they are a mother on one hand (through adoption) yet who still has not come to terms with their barrenness.   At any rate, when Beth shared that “some of you need to hear a blessing over your situation and to hear that God says “it is well,” I broke down in a quiet sob.  In that moment I imagined God looking into my eyes as he held my face and saying, “Valerie, I know.” And that is all. He is not giving me answers, or telling me “be grateful for what you have” in that moment. There is just the loving reassurance that He knows my deep pain and I do not need to explain it to Him or try to justify my feelings.  For that moment I will forever be grateful.  Even if I needed to go to Atlanta to hear it.

In my sessions where I spoke about the Psalms and took the participants through writing their own Psalms of Lament, God met me there, too.  I had mistakenly thought this was for the participants who have “gone through more loss than I have.” But in the sharing of my story I realized as I broke down while saying, “I was never able to conceive a child,” that I was saying that out loud for perhaps the first times ever.  Of course I apologized for crying, but the attendees were so gracious and reminded me that all of our stories are ones that would elicit grief and that they wouldn’t expect any of us to remain stoic during their telling.  I guess it further lends credence to the message that I was sharing anyway: Grief doesn’t have an expiration date and our losses and how we perceive them are unique to each of us. Yet God invites us to cry out before Him as the psalmists of old have done in beautiful ways.

I was delighted that the attendees at my breakout sessions all set out to work on their Psalms of Lament and seemed to learn from the process and enjoy it.  I so wanted all of them to benefit from what I was sharing.  My favorite discussion was around the fact that all the Lament Psalms end with a declaration of praise.  Not that we always FEEL like praising God in our storms, but that we declare we will praise Him simply because He is good.  And that is how we can “choose joy” even amidst the desire and struggle to grow our families. I feel like it was a sacred privilege to be let in on the tender heart-break each was going through and to, in some tiny way, enter into their grief with them. And they with me.  I absolutely want to do this again.

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Psalm of Lament worksheet

The other big takeaway I had was in a breakout session I attended that was led by author  (It’s okay about it) and speaker, Lauren Casper.  I went to her session because I knew Lauren from those other retreats and had heard her share her heart before.  Her session was on “waiting on God,” and since my life story seems a big waiting game at times, I figured I could use her perspective.  She briefly shared her story, and then in reflection on what she had learned through the years said something like, “chaos and peace can co-exist.” Whoa.  What? In that moment my mind was blown. For so many years I’ve had the mindset that once the chaos passes I can get to the peace.  Yet I’ve wondered why the chaos doesn’t pass.  I think It has less to do with my circumstances and more to do with my inner turmoil and anxiety over that.  Even though my beliefs about the world are that we are in an “already and not yet” place in life (we live in a fallen world yet can experience parts of God’s Kingdom on earth) and I know nothing is perfect, but I’ve not thought about it in the way she described.  What that gives me is the realization that I don’t have to wait anymore. For anything. I have what I need to experience peace already.  Does that mean all of life is hunky dory or that pain and grief are not a part of it? No, but I can experience God’s peace right now, today, even though nothing has changed in my circumstance.  And even as I still wait to see if my family will grow by one more child or not.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I am so grateful to Emmy and the Choose Joy Event 2018 team, all the speakers, volunteers, and all the wonderful people I met for being part of my journey and for letting me be a part of yours.  All in all, I am so glad I embarked on this trip, and wholeheartedly recommend this conference to anyone who has dealt with infertility or desires to grow their family through adoption.  It will be of benefit to you wherever you are in that process.

May God bless each and every one of you and may you find deep peace amidst the chaos of this life!

 

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Anxiety · Recovering Perfectionist

Pushing Through (anxiety)

Anxiety will have you believe you should keep your world small.  Pull inside of yourself. Withdraw.  It is safer that way. Less chance of failure.  Less chance of confusion.  Less chance of overwhelm. Less chance of “losing control.”

To keep your world small, don’t take any chances. Don’t learn a new skill.  Don’t take on a new hobby. Don’t go back to work. Don’t go back to school. Don’t force yourself to meet new people.  And for goodness sake, don’t you EVER, and I mean NEVER…do something that is hard or uncomfortable. Don’t go out on a limb! Don’t you do it!

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Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Pexels.com

And by doing this you will have less personal satisfaction, less potential friends, less pride at learning a new skill, less of utilizing your God-given gifts to put a smile on someone else’s face.  Just… less.

I say…make it BIG, your world.  Expand. Push your borders outward. It is worth the risk.  Will I fail? In some ways, always. But nobody is perfect.  Might I be confused sometimes doing things a new way?  Of course. But I can work through that. And if I become overwhelmed? Breathe and pray.  Breathe.  And. Pray.  What about losing control? Nobody but God is in control twenty-four-seven. He’s got this.  And He’s got YOU.

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Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

If you can get through the discomfort of the unfamiliar, push through the fear and the racing thoughts and the holding your breath and the quickening pulse at the beginning, you will come to the other side of it and beam with pride at all you have conquered.

You will greet so many novel and beautiful things on your way,  you will not believe your eyes!  Take a risk. Only you know what that risk is, for you.  Take a deep breath and go out on a limb.  The view from out there is infinitely greater.

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Photo by Krivec Ales on Pexels.com

 

Anxiety · Faith · Poetry · Waiting

A Choice To Make

Those that want only positive vibes, don’t read this post today.

I woke up feeling down, to be truthful, I have to say.

I am stuck in this place. It is strange, dark, and cold.

Can’t see a way out, everything’s on hold

I’m lost in the forest.

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I don’t like where I am, but I have a choice to make.

Will I choose anger at what led me here,

will I choose panic, worry and fear?

Will I choose force-to make something happen

ahead of its time-force an ending so I can have

peace of mind.

Or

Will I choose to settle down and rest?

Enjoy the cool breeze and watch

as it blows through the leaves on the trees?

And let the time pass and not be afraid of the future that’s made

already by His Holy Hand?

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My choice is to stay and linger awhile, in the forest.

He has me here for a reason. But it will be just a season.

So for now, today

I will see it as a place of beauty…for He made it.

It can be scary or it can be

A place of divine worship, a holy sanctuary, a place of rest.

where I find Him

and wait until I am ready for where he will lead me next.

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Adoption · Grief and Loss · Infertility · Menopause

Bits and Pieces: The Unique Grief On The Infertility and Adoption Journey

First a word about this post:  I wrote this weeks ago.  My perfectionist tendencies got the best of me and got in my way of publishing this for a while.  Is it too delicate a subject? Too personal? Too long,  too twisty-turny, not straight-forward enough, not creative enough….such is my mind at work.  So good at standing in my own way.  It’s crazy.  I love to write and if I had my way I would publish so much more.  Quality is important, but I also need to remember why I set out to start this blog in the first place: I had something to say, and I was going to say it, perfect or not! So I am done with analyzing.  Going to put this out there.  I trust it will find the one person it may encourage today.  My hope is that someone may find deep affirmation in this post because it puts words to what they’ve been feeling, or that it may be informative for someone who “doesn’t get” this type of struggle. And P.S: It’s helpful for me, too. It’s part of owning my story, and coming to terms with it all.  Finally a Disclaimer: If you don’t like to see words such as endometriosis, infertility, or menopause this is not the post for you!

While this is about grief and loss, it is not a post about losing someone close to me.  I am fortunate so far in that I’ve got my spouse, child, sibling, and both parents still with me.  This is a post about handling transition.  One such bridge I am about to cross is that of an infertile woman knocking on the door of menopause.  Coming to terms with the idea that I will never know what it is like to conceive, carry, or give birth to a baby. Never. Not ever.

I will be very honest, not because I love to talk about this, but because I am determined as I grow older to use every bit of me: my life, gifts, struggles and issues if I believe it might resonate with one person somewhere.  Then, to me it is so worth the discomfort of baring my soul.  I want this unfortunate lot to do some good in some way.   It may be an attempt to take back some control.  When I was going through the thick of the struggle, I felt I had no control over my own body or the way it seemed to betray me.

It has been a little over one year since I wrote some thoughts on our infertility struggle.  I wanted to share  more as I’ve continued to wrestle with it. Even as I write these words, which is meant to be a post about how I continue to live in the face of loss-I still feel the sadness.  The anger.  The confusion…yet, there is hope. Because with time, the shedding of tears, prayer and reflection, my grief has changed and become a little less potent.

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Please understand, that while I speak in general terms, everybody will deal with it differently.  I do believe many struggle with these things and will do some grieving over it in the process.  Others may not have.  This is about my story, and others who might share some common elements in theirs as well.

Infertility is not a “One time event” that happens, is over and done with, and you have the grief afterward.  It comes in bits and pieces. Sometimes it gets to me just a little bit.  Sometimes it is a giant tide of emotions rolling in and knocking me over.

For me, it was a loss I already anticipated when I endured years of painful endometriosis and was told it could later affect my chances of becoming pregnant.  That diagnosis came in my late teens.  And then I didn’t meet the man I would marry until my mid-twenties.  Lucky for me, Mike and I both had dreamed of adopting one day, too.  I had my plan all figured out:  Two biological children and one adopted child from China.  But that specific plan wasn’t in the cards for me.  Oh, I would become a mom.  It would just look a little different.

A couple of surgeries for endometriosis and a couple of years of filling out those silly charts: Documenting everything like your temperature upon waking up, when your cycle is and blah blah blah. I had little patience for ANY of it.  The medicine I had to take did not agree with me and didn’t help the roller coaster of emotions already happening.  At that stage, the losses were piling up: Loss of the “spontaneous” ability to conceive, loss of being able to try for a family without having to share all about my personal life with doctors and others who asked.  Loss of dignity.  It was really embarrassing for me to have to talk about these things that should be (in my mind) kept private.  I found it horrifying to constantly sit on a cold table in a clinic wearing a  ridiculous paper gown that barely covered me while I  answered questions about topics not usually up for discussion (in my mind).  Ugghhhh! I HATED Hated Hated this.

Another loss along the infertility journey many might experience is the feeling of having no control of what happens with your body.  I had this growing awareness becoming pregnant was happening spontaneously to everyone else BUT me.  I was confused.  Why is it so simple for so many others, but not me? What did I do wrong? Was God punishing me for something? (I do not believe He was, but the thought occurred to me at the time).  So during the “trying to conceive” phase, I felt a sense of loss everyday, along with this constant panic:  “What if I can’t have a baby?”  But then, I would push it away because, well, there was still time and still a chance.  And since I was so intolerant of the medications, appointments, and mental anguish of the monthly ups and downs, why not take a break from all this and start the adoption process?

So we went to a church in Sioux Falls to see a presentation about adopting from China.  Actually, it was about International Adoption and that was where our future agency was presenting.  But I was always interested in China.  So that is what my heart grabbed onto.   I was eager to find out about the programs the agency offered, yet was filled with angst when we arrived about “would anything work out for us to have a family at all? ”  As we got there and took our seats near a few other couples, I was nervously holding back tears.   When they turned on the video, it happened to be placed right in front of a beautiful sculpture of Jesus hanging on the wall, with his arms raised.  In that moment God told me “This is what I have for you.”  I felt an inexplicable, undeniable pull toward adopting from China. I was overcome with emotion and knew this was, in fact, the future God wanted us to embrace. I believed that God was telling me, “I heard the desire of your heart for a child, and here is the path I have laid out for YOU.”

 

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On the drive home, Mike said the words I longed to hear. “Let’s fill out the paperwork and adopt from China.”  And that is what we did.

At this point in my story some might be inclined to say, “well what was the problem then? You got a child, right?” That is correct.  We began the long journey to adopt, except  none of that was “easy,” either.

The idea of “getting a child” fulfilled a deep need I had, and throughout the paperwork process that hope kept me going.  But there was still the unanswered question of, “have we exhausted all our possibilities for biological children, if we cannot afford a second adoption in the future?”  Will this process to adopt even work out? So the anticipatory grief of possible permanent infertility loomed over my shoulder and followed me around for the entire decade of my 30’s and into my 40’s.  It wasn’t always at the forefront of my mind, rather it hid in the shadows, revealing itself to me more clearly every so often.  Like a dark specter.  I couldn’t shake it.

As far as grief goes, somewhere along the line it dawned on me that I had to give myself permission to separate the two issues.  I had to realize that adopting a child, which I wanted to do, was something I could celebrate, while still grieving the fact that the biological part was possibly going to end up unfulfilled.  In other words, don’t mistakenly assume there is no need to grieve infertility because we adopted. Infertility has layers of loss, not just the absence of a child.  

The complicated part of my journey was that this question of unresolved infertility   hung around for my twenties, thirties and part of my forties:  “Can it happen, will it happen?”  After we adopted our son, Liu, we revisited the idea of the biological route.  But in the time that had elapsed, roughly two years….what was once a door slightly ajar became one that was mostly closed if not quite slammed shut.  The doctor told me that “At this point, you wouldn’t even be a candidate for In vitro, unless you use donor eggs.”   I decided that I would rather adopt a child that needed a family rather than try to “create” another one.  No disrespect to those choosing the latter option. I just knew in my gut that route wasn’t for me.

You might assume I fully grieved after that revelation.  Yet I held out for a miracle to somehow occur, not ready to admit I would forever be barren.   So the ghost looking over my shoulder kept following me around.  And I began panicking about possibly never having a sibling for my son.  When I say panicking, I really mean obsessing.  Not every minute, but some of every day was spent thinking about it, researching adopting again, asking Mike when we might start the process, etc.  It made some days difficult to think or do anything else.pexels-photo-720260.jpegThe biggest “hurdle” in my adult married life has been the fact that I’ve been in some type of “limbo” for all of it:  The struggle and question about “will I have a family?”  I haven’t had the benefit of having a couple of babies and saying, “okay, our family is complete now” like I know others have.  I have had days where I’ve felt like I couldn’t go on without some type of clarity.  I love clarity.   First with the biological question and then most recently wondering if we will we adopt again.   If you wonder why I don’t know if we will adopt again,  it is because there are many rules and regulations for International adoption, more so in recent years due to what is called the Hague Convention, meant to ensure safe practices in International Adoption.  So, although we are pursuing this route, our time to complete this is dwindling.

 

 

 

For China specifically, the avenue which still makes the most sense for us, you’ve got to meet the qualifications: The right amount of income, an acceptable Body Mass Index,  lack of serious health issues, and both applicants must fall in an acceptable age range.      For lots of reasons (those reasons could be an entirely different blog post-maybe later), we have been in the home study phase for over three years.  Along the way, we have had two almost/not quite situations ( Fostering Hope: The Princess Dress) that took time to get over (Losing Mai Ling) yet we continue to persevere.  Because it is so important, I believe, for my son to have a sibling.  And I have a big heart that wants to lavish so much love on another little one.

And yet, I’ve had to begin re-imagining what “family” looks like.  This too, is part of the cycle of grief.  If one works through the stages of grief made popular by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, eventually one hopes to get to “acceptance.”  But I like to think of it more as “integration” of the reality of the loss into my life, into my personhood.  I think with the work I’ve done this past year (with God’s help),  I am on my way to that.  By “work” I mean staring it dead in the face and telling it, “you won’t ruin me.” Work means talking with a therapist about it (let’s end the stigma! Talking with a therapist doesn’t mean you’re “weak!”), expressing my sadness in writing, prayer, laying paint down on canvas, singing in my car…all ways to get my feelings out.  And finally, beginning to visualize a new and different future for my family and me.

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Putting paint on canvas proves cathartic for me. It’s more about the process than the end result.

So what does this re-imagining look like for me? I always thought it would be best to be “young” when I had children.  Isn’t it “unfair” to a child to have parents in their forties and fifties? I thought that for most of my life.  But, when you think of a child who has NO family, spending years of their life inside an orphanage with barely enough food to go around, what’s the alternative for them? I’m sure if you ask any of them, they’d be glad for somebody, ANYBODY to take them home and love them for as long as they’ve got.  So, if, this second adoption works out, I have to come to grips with the fact that I am older than I thought I would be as a mom to young children.  But just because I had a picture of how my ideal family should look, that doesn’t mean anything beside that is “less than.”

That has been the toughest thing to work through: Letting go of the picture I concocted as a youngster of the “ideal family.” Tougher still, is coming to grips with a possible future with only-gulp-one child, if for some reason the second adoption does not work out.  There were days in past years when I have thought, again, being totally transparent, that my life wouldn’t be worth living without more children in it… It was such a deep longing for as long as I can remember. Not just for me, but for my son who has special needs.  Please don’t tell me he can “have friends,” or that “it’s not so bad being an only child.”  I know that many only kids turn out great. I just see our situation as different.  And do you know how hard it can be with Autism Spectrum Disorder and other needs to make friends and to otherwise navigate in this world?

So I have tasked myself with making a life worth living–regardless of what I have or don’t have.  Perhaps a better way to put that is opening my eyes to the fact that my life is already worth living: Cultivating gratitude for life itself and the gifts it offers. It is true I have loved ones already in my life.  But if I woke up tomorrow and lost everyone dear to me…what would I have to live for? I have to love life itself and all the beauty it offers, from the Creator God Himself.   I don’t want my happiness in life to be contingent on everything turning out the way I had planned. Rather, I am taking what has been given, and thanking God for it, enjoying it for what it is. This is my task at hand. I am working on it.

Another aspect still, of grieving the family I could have had, but don’t yet have is embarrassing to admit.  Jealousy.  Of other families, bigger families.  Those that had it easier, that had no difficulty getting the family they wanted.  Envy.  It is why, for so long I could not, would not go to a baby shower.  Just too painful.  Or why I would get a lump in my throat when I would see the baby clothes at Target and see the moms-to-be with their swollen bellies excitedly filling their carts with all the necessities for their baby.   And I would sometimes just get angry when I heard moms talking about their birth experiences and about bringing the baby home from the hospital.  More than one time I asked God, “Why this one thing? You KNEW how important this was to me! WHY?” Luckily, I knew that God was never going to abandon me, even though I was really hurting and struggling with all those feelings.  But I ultimately end up realizing God doesn’t owe me a thing.  My plan might not be His plan.  Yet I have much to be grateful for.

Not every mom can say they had such a beautiful, one of a kind experience of meeting their son for the first time in a dark hallway in China: Liu ran up to me with open arms ready to hug his mom-One he’d only seen in a photos and never met. Yet he was open-hearted and trusting enough to embrace this new life waiting for him across the ocean. It’s breathtaking.  I might not have a birth story, but my heart grew ten times bigger that day, and I wouldn’t trade that moment for anything in the world.  So I have much to be grateful for even though it is different from many other women’s experience with “meeting their baby.”

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The biological question is OUT of the question now.  I haven’t reached menopause yet.  However, fate stepped in and gave me a medical issue that required medication which for all practical purposes will make it impossible for that “miracle” to occur.   So I can FINALLY be done with THAT question once and for all.  I have my answer. I will never have a biological child. And while that sentence is still difficult to say,  I am relieved I can finally deal with that and work to move past it.

Now the limbo, or possibility of the second adoption is still here.  It moves forward, at slower than a snail’s pace. Just when we seem to move forward, some piece of paper expires and we have to redo it.  I have just come to realize that clarity on this will continue to elude me for Lord knows how much longer. And in the mean time, will we not meet the criteria and get nixed? What stands between me and a bigger family are some pieces of paper and rules about age, weight, health and finances.  That makes me angry, and so, so sad. Some days, like today, I just want to scream.  It doesn’t sit well with me that I had to go take the MMPI (A psychological test) to prove I am fit to parent since I have a history of anxiety.  Imagine if all those folks that become pregnant had to take that 567 question mental health screening! But, rules are rules. Such is the world of International adoption.

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Hope is a little dusty, but still present!

I wonder, too, as I see many friends from high school have already become grandparents some time ago, why I am still trying to form my own family at this point.  It is a strange phenomenon.  It wouldn’t have been the future I saw for myself, but I have to trust that all will work out as it should, perhaps not with the ending I wanted, either.  I know that the Rolling Stones famously sang, “You can’t always get what you want,” but why do some get want they want and others don’t? Just sayin.’ This will make a good blog post in and of itself, too.

How I have dealt with all of this? To be honest, some days I haven’t.  Some days I throw myself a giant pity party (although this too is part of a grief “process,”) or drown my sorrows in chocolate chip cookies and stuffed crust pizzas with extra cheese. Yum.  But then, I wake up the next day and realize I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hang in there until we have a resolution.  The adoption process is stressful, in and of itself.  But one day, it will end. It has to. And when that day comes, I will work to accept whatever answer God, and the Chinese Government, gives us.  And then I will go on living.

A final word on the topic of grief in general.  Sometimes I questioned why I was sad, when there was still a chance for me to get pregnant or to adopt.  I would tell myself, “don’t grieve until you get to the end and have your answers, be happy or hopeful. ”  As if I could push it all away until the one day the adoption process ended for good and I completely knew I was in menopause.  Well, that’s kind of silly.  Life doesn’t work like that.   It works out best for me when I honor my feelings.  Give myself permission to be sad or angry.  Write out my feelings.  Don’t push them away.  Paint a picture that represents how I feel.  Write a prayer, expressing my feelings.  Talk to someone.  I always feel a little better and able to keep moving along when I allow the feelings to come, whatever they are, whenever they are…and sit with them for a time… as uncomfortable as that can be.  This is a way forward.   It is only when I tell myself I SHOULD feel a certain way that I run into problems.

So this is where I am.  Hoping for one more child.  Grieving some aspects of the difficult road to a family, and a family “half-realized,” yet starting to see the beauty and blessings of a one-child family: All the time I’ve had with him. The special relationship we’ve cultivated because he hasn’t had to share me, the things we’ve been able to do together, the time I’ve had to learn about his special needs and become a tiger of an advocate for him…and so much more.  Our family has been such a gift to me, a source of so much joy!

It should prove exciting to see what an update one year from now will look like.  I really hope I have my answers by then.  I am weary and discouraged.  I want off this roller coaster.  There are so many more things I wish I could explain about this journey, but it is not the time.  Since I am still in the thick of it, I can’t share too many details.  But one day, I will tell the whole story.

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I hope that if you are reading this and you are in a similar struggle, you will feel and know that God will see you through all the twists and turns.  Don’t give up! He sees you, knows you and wants to meet your deepest need.  God bless you.  There are many gifts waiting up ahead for you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grief and Loss · Special Needs Adoption · Teenagers

There Goes My Heart

I asked him if he still wanted to go on his weekend church retreat or if he changed his mind. My big little twelve-year-old boy responded with, “Of course! It’ll be an adventure!” Liu is a big twelve-year-old and he will be thirteen in five short days.  I keep asking myself the age-old question asked by parents of teenagers everywhere: “Where has the time gone?”

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While he was at school today, I packed his little red suitcase.  I carefully consulted the list of suggested items to pack as I perused his room.  Hmmm. What a curious mix of stuff.  A drawer full of miscellaneous little things, spanning all of his years with us,  ages 2-12.  A whoopee cushion, some plastic submarines, beaded party necklaces, a looking-glass, three pairs of binoculars.  You know, important stuff.  All of these toys and trinkets he has kept through three moves and many room cleanings.  I know what most of them are from and when he got them.  I find it strangely comforting that he wants to hang on to these pieces of his childhood.  Me, I want to hang on to all of it.  His childhood.

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The next drawer contains the signs of his “growing up:” A mix of clothes, some already men’s size small.   A few last remnants of little boy’s clothes, but men’s small shirt, belt and socks.  How is this possible? He still takes his giant stuffed Husky, “Mama Wolfie” with him in the car sometimes, yet even this, I notice, is dwindling.  Mama Wolfie used to accompany him everywhere and was a fixture at all family events.  I see her lying on his unmade bed, covered with the blanket and wonder, will he take her with on this first church camping weekend?

As I pack his suitcase, I sit on his bed and look around.  I am at once excited for him, and filled with trepidation. Will he have enough of everything he needs? Will he be okay? Will he wander off? Then my fears give way to sadness.  There will be less and less little boy things.  He is on his way to becoming a man.  The added complexity of special needs and Autism Spectrum cause me great concern for his future.   What will his teenage years look like? Will he have friends?  Some kids can be so cruel to others who are different from them.

I sit and stare at the suitcase and marvel at this kid’s bravery.  He has already experienced many hard things, including kids saying mean things to him and trying to beat him up.  He’s had surgery after surgery to correct the cleft lip and palate he was born with along with hard work in speech therapy for all these years.  He’s always up for a challenge and gives it his all, whatever he does. Why would he be scared to go away to camp? He is braver than I am.  And so far there is no indication he is at all concerned about being anything other than himself. Authentic. Despite being teased, despite his quirks and challenges.

I finish packing his things and leave to pick him up at school, knowing he will be home for a couple short hours before heading to church to leave for camp.  I do as I always have, grab Mama Wolfie and a snack to welcome him in the car after school.  He gets in  and we start our familiar routine.  He throws off his back pack and grabs the husky.  “Hi Mama Wolfie.” As we drive down the street he asks how she behaved.  “Oh, not good. Not good at all!”  “Why? She didn’t like me being gone at school? What happened?” At this point, if I’m well-rested, I get pretty creative.  Today I was, so I relayed what happened on the home front: “Well, she knew you were going on this camping trip, and she threw a fit.  She tried spilling my coffee, and then knocked over my plate! Then she tried to flip your bed over, but she wore herself out and fell asleep.” He laughs and adds more elements. “How was it after lunch? Did she get into a fight with Maddy (our dog)?” We go on and on, laughing all the way home, until finally he says, “yeah, I’m pretty much the only one that can calm her down.”

After we get home, we just have a little time before we have to go.  He comes up and gives me a hug.  He’s almost as tall as I am.  When did this happen? Dad comes home in time for us both to drive him to church.  He puts Mama Wolfie on his bed, and closes the bedroom door.  I guess she’s not going along.  I hope he sleeps okay without her.

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As we drive into the church parking lot, I get a lump in my throat. I know it’s just a couple of nights, but I will miss my little guy, who’s becoming a big guy.  We walk inside with him, get him checked in.  I hug him goodbye and tell him I love him.  Then we watch him walk away as I think, “there goes my heart.”

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/authentic/

Authentic

 

Adoption · Christian Poetry · Grief and Loss · Poetry · Prayer · Uncategorized · Waiting

A Beggar’s Plea

What do you do, when someone you know is feeling the weight of the world?

She’s a middle-aged woman, at a crossroad, her mind: In

a spiraling, downward swirl?

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Bible journaling helps me tremendously to process my feelings.  It is a time of worshipful reflection. Here I was spending some time in Job.

 

She has a good life, husband, house, child…to start,

but what she so misses she thought would be here,

and it leaves an ache in her heart.

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Two times she lost out on what might have been,

yet another problem, a delay comes along.

Her strength, her resolve’s growing thin.

Not again! Don’t do this to her, don’t make it end like this!

She wants another child, that’s all.

Is this so wrong, to wish?

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If it’s not God’s will, in time she’ll understand.

But the years have dragged on and she just wants to know,

What should she do, disrupt it? Move on? What’s His plan?

What would you do, about this woman, about this beggar’s plea?

If you would be so inclined, dear reader, just pray-

For this pleading beggar is me!

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Here today is my honest prayer: Gracious God, you owe me nothing.  You have already blessed me immeasurably.  You know my heart’s desire for another child, and we took this road to pursue another adoption because we thought that was what you wanted for us.  If we read that wrong, then close every door.  But if it is in your will for our lives, please dear Lord, would you bring this to a positive end, soon? I had thought, honestly, there was a little girl that we were supposed to parent. A sister for my boy.  I wonder, was I wrong? Did we mess it up? When it drags on, I have days where I think I can’t do this any longer…I’m too old, our family is set-just the three of us, I should give it up and move on.  But then, for some reason, I find myself still holding on to this dream even when it makes no sense in some ways.   And I find myself coming to you in the middle of the night, down on my knees begging that you would grant us this miracle.  I know you have the power to make this happen.  I come to your throne, boldly, as you have invited us to do, to ask you specifically.  Lord, will you give us a daughter to adopt? if it is not too late, will you help me hang in there just a little bit longer? It is so hard to live in limbo. Yet I know I am not alone, and will never be.  You are always with me, no matter what.  Dear God, thank you for hearing my plea.  I will follow you all the days of my life, no matter what. I love you, Lord.  Amen.

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For you, whomever you may be, I pray, also that YOU may feel the freedom to unburden your heart and spirit “To Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20).”

“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).”

 

 

 

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disrupt/

Anxiety · Faith · Poetry · Recovering Perfectionist

Lesser Things

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I took my eyes off Jesus, once again, yes I did.

Distractions of every kind were fighting for my attention.

Things of lesser need caught my eye.

This thing over here.  That one over there.

You’d have thought they were gold:

glittering, shining, grabbing my sight.

Jobs undone, half-baked ideas or plans.

Household things.  Errands to run.  Meals to plan.

Shopping lists, shopping trips.

Crumbs on the floor, dirt by the door.

Messes everywhere.

And you see, something so benign trips me up every time.

Long to-do list, never becomes a to-done list.

And then fear.

What if it overtakes me?

The stuff, the list, the chaos.

But then,

God’s Spirit reminds me to breathe.

So I breathe.  Deeper, longer.

I remember what those angels said in that dream I had on March 7, 2014.

It was that vivid!

They said, “Just keep looking at His face.”

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So, today on April 10, 2018 I remembered to keep my eyes on Him.

And suddenly

I’m not so scared anymore.

These lesser things that seem so important hold no power over me.

They will always be there.

But their bright flame is snuffed out when I look in His face.

His face!

It holds my gaze,

slows my breath,

captures my mind,

calms my body.

It is luminescent.

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Photo by Pexels

and at long last speaks to my very soul with so much breathtaking

RADIANCE!

Yes, just keep your eyes on Him.

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A snapshot of Hebrews 12:2: Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.